Non-Jobs

The novels of the late great science fiction writer and humorist Douglas Adams contain many amusing anecdotes however one of my personal favourites occurs in the second book of the "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" series.

After an encounter with a dodgy teleport device, two of the book's protagonists are sent back in time 2 million years and re-materialise on a spaceship piloted by race of humans called the Golgafrinchams. The bemusement our heroes express at the various idiosyncrasies of their hosts quickly turns to alarm when they discover the true purpose of the ship's voyage.

It turned out that society on the Golgafrincham home planet had developed to the point where approximately 1/3rd of its population had become engaged in occupations which were essentially useless. To remedy this, the planet's leaders came up with an innovative solution. They fabricated a looming cosmic catastrophe and told the people that their entire race would need to evacuate the planet. They also proposed that the evacuation would take place in 3 stages. The first fleet, or "A" Ark would contain all the scientists, business leaders and intellectuals. The "C" Ark would contain all the "doers" of Golgafrincham society such as builders, tradespeople and all the other blue collar workers. The first to leave however would be the "B" Ark who would transport all the hairdressers, telephone sanitisers, middle managers and marketing executives - basically everyone engaged in useless occupations.

Of course, however, the idea of establishing a new Golgafrincham colony on a distant planet was simply a ruse and the people assigned to the notional "A" and "C" Arks stayed at home and celebrated long and hard that they had managed to rid themselves of a whole useless third of their population - until, ironically the population was wiped out by a pandemic originating from a dirty telephone. The "B" Ark meanwhile did what it was programmed to do and crash-landed on a remote, prehistoric planet, which by coincidence happened to be the Earth.

The scenario as presented by Adams was of course meant to be satirical however looking at society today, you sometimes wonder after all whether there isn't something more to what he said and that we are in fact descendants of the Golgafrinchams and not the apes. The proliferation in the last 20 years of what are best termed "non-jobs" similar to those undertaken by the passengers on the "B" fleet is staggering. What's worse, it seems to be those people who work at meaningful, productive jobs that are more at risk in the current recession than those people whose jobs could disappear and society could be none the wiser.

I have cited below some key examples of "non-jobs" as I see them and would be interested in hearing from anybody in case I have missed some obvious candidates:

(a) Management consultants: Guys, having an MBA doesn't mask the fact that you are probably under 30, have no industry experience and are uniquely unqualified to fix a company's problems. If you really want to make a difference, then take the honest approach of working for the company as a paid employee and not as a rapacious consultant. You might also learn something of value in the course of doing so.

(b) CEOs and COOs who hire management consultants: it's your job, so do it. Outsourcing to a management consultant is a cop out.

(c) Equities analysts: see my earlier column "De-list and De-louse". QED.

(d) The "traffic management" neanderthals at the airport cab rank: dudes, we passengers all managed to dress ourselves this morning, pack our bags and catch our planes. I think we're all quite capable of getting into a taxi by ourselves without having someone with the brains of a duck trying to herd us.

(e) Six Sigma Black Belts: three words here - what the .... ? I challenge anyone to work out what these fuzzballs actually do apart from endlessly recycling management mumbo-jumbo buzzwords and stealing oxygen from the rest of us. I have some advice for anyone who works at a company that hires one of these muppets. Resign. And once you've resigned, sell your shares. The company is doomed.

(f) 10 Tasmianian senators, 8 SA senators, 6 WA senators, 4 Qld senators and 1 Victorian senator (ideally Steve Fielding). See my column above titled "Unrepresentative Swill". The prosecution rests.

(g) At least 100 accredited AFL journalists. I know I made the choice to live in Melbourne and I enjoy a good game of footy as much as the next person, however, I do NOT want to read endless stories about inconsequential things like umpires and players touching each other. Let's confine that sort of thing to the locker room after the game.

(h) The 10 niggardly ticket inspectors who bust people at Parliament Station each morning for failing to validate their tickets. 50 train cancellations a day and you have the hide to harangue someone for something as petty as this? Where's your humanity?

(i) Anyone other than people covered in (a) and (e) whose job requires them to use expressions like "paradigm shift" and "change management" other than as part of a comedy routine.

(j) Airport Citigroup credit card hawkers: this one is so blatantly ridiculous that I actually feel deep sympathy for the people who have to do this job. If a share price under $1 wasn't enough indication, then the fact that Citigroup actually employs people to do this job is clear evidence that the company is finished.

Anyone who flies semi-regularly will know what I am talking about. You have either caught the red-eye home from Perth or overseas and are desperate to get home, or alternatively you have been caught in a jam on the Tullamarine Freeway and are racing to catch your 7am plane to Sydney. Under either scenario, stopping to sign up for a new credit card is hardly going to be at the top of your priority list. However Citigroup seemed to think that pulling people up in the midst of their rush and thrusting a card application at them is a winning marketing strategy. For heaven's sake, I reckon you would have better sales prospects setting up a pork sausage sizzle outside a synagogue or mosque. Mercifully for rushed passengers Citigroup now seem to have made a "strategic withdrawal" from this line of business. It must be hard to convince Barack Obama to prop up your company when you engage in acts of such flagrant stupidity.


By far the most frustrating thing about most non-jobs is that the people doing them doubtless have some useful skills that could be deployed for good instead of evil. For example, instead of writing about umpire fiddling, the surplus AFL journalists could be re-assigned to more newsworthy areas, and the ticket inspectors COULD be re-trained as desperately needed locomotive mechanics.

However until employers recognise this and start rewarding only those people who make a meaningful contribution, then non-jobs will continue to expand and grow like a malignant tumour. Let's hope that the global economic crisis gets people to focus on what really matters and creates the necessary "paradigm shift" to make non-jobs a thing of the past.