Terrorists? What Terrorists?

One of the few positive side effects stemming from the global economic crisis is that the Australian government seems to have abandoned the fatuous obsession that its predecessor had with terrorism. Given the current problems facing the country, this is only to be expected - when real threats rear their heads, unimportant things get the disregard they always deserved.

But even assuming for a moment that we were still in good economic times and had the time and inclination to worry about terrorists, let's all acknowledge a fundamental truth:

In Australia, there is no terrorist threat.

Let's just say that again, so that we put any lingering hysteria to bed:

In Australia, there is no terrorist threat.


That's right, despite everything you might have read in the popular press over the last 8 years, the chances of anyone dying in Australia from a terrorist-related attack are as close to zero as you can get.

Unlike some mainstream hack journalists, I try as far as possible to verify the factual accuracy of statements I make on this blog. To this end, I undertook a study of the number of terrorist-related deaths that have taken place in Australia since my birth in 1967. Here are the results:

1967: Nil. However it should be noted that Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt did disappear under somewhat mysterious circumstances. There were rumours of abduction by a Chinese submarine, however analysing Communist China's policy during the late 1960s and early 1970s, Holt would seem to have had very little involvement in it. The facts would suggest that the notorious Portsea rip was to blame for his disappearance and not some Machiavellian Chinese plot.

1968-77: Nil

1978: Nil. Students of history may recognise this year as the year of the Hilton bombings in Sydney and the alleged "Ananda Marga" plot to blow up a Commonwealth leader's summit, in particular the Indian Prime Minister. Subsequent investigations and trials, however, were entirely inconclusive and the supposed ringleader, Tim Anderson, was eventually acquitted of all charges. The better view now seems to be that the attack was the work of unhinged, drug-addled losers and not the calculated work of a terrorist cell.

1984-2001: Zero. Null. Nada. Not a sausage.

2002: Nil. Abhorrent though the Sari club attack was, it was NOT carried out within Australia.

2003-2009: Australia to terrorists ? Anyone there?

In making my point, I don't mean to downplay the reprehensible nature of terrorism. No matter how fervent or righteous one's ideology, mass murder by any organisation or individual for political gain is inexcusable. Also I acknowledge that many Australians have been affected badly by terrorist acts, in particular the Bali bombing and the World Trade Centre attacks.

What I do question and object to, however, is the personal intrusions and massive waste of government money designed to minimise what is demonstrably a minimal threat to domestic Australians.

If you look at the major causes of death within Australia, terrorism rates somewhere between alien abduction and smallpox. Yet for some reason, the Howard government saw fit to print up hundreds of thousands of pamphletts and run multiple media ads highlighting the devastating threat we were facing and encouraging people to dob in a terrorist.

I mean, what a complete waste of money. Heart disease is a far higher cause of death in Australia than terrorism, yet Howard didn't see fit to leave bunches of leaflets in McDonalds or Hungry Jacks restaurants exhoriting the patrons to dob in a short order fry cook.

Why would the government do this? Well, consistent with the tone of pretty much everything Howard did during his time in office, the motives were cynical. He did it to reinforce his re-election prospects.

People may have forgotten that the 2001 election was shaping up as a close-run thing. The dotcom bubble of 2000 had burst, the economy was faltering and polls showed Kim Beasley catching the Liberals fast. Then hey presto, September 11 happened and all bets were off for Labour. When things like that happen, people get frightened, go into their shells and become very reluctant to do risky things like change governments.

Howard recognised this, and also recognised that a frightened, preoccupied and divided electorate is much easier to govern than one that is confident and engaged in the political debate. Running a huge scare campaign about terrorism was designed simply to reinforce this fear and make his job of getting away with murder (eg. making "non-core" promises) much easier.

There can't have been any other reason as the figures show that there never has been a real threat in this country. Let's be honest here. If you were a terrorist looking to make a name for your cause on the world stage, you are hardly going to bother with attacking Australia, are you? Much better to blow up something in a country like the UK or USA where the entire world is watching.

It's just as well that terrorists leave us alone, because if they didn't, we would be well and truly stuffed. The government has shown time and again it is way too clueless to protect us.

I like many others watched with a mixture of amusement and incredulity as a car done up by the satirical Chaser team to look like a Canadian diplomatic vehicle (but with them dressed as Islamic terrorists) managed to penetrate almost all the security barriers set up for the APEC conference and get within spitting distance of President Bush. I also suffer regularly the pathetic intrusion of airport security where you are forced to remove items of clothing, have your nail clippers confiscated and get scanned for gunpowder. But not to worry, after passing through this checkpoint you get to go shopping at the airport mall and buy everything you need to blow up a plane.

So, to all terrorists worldwide - thanks for leaving us be. I have but one request of you. Try taking a similar approach to the rest of the world that you do to Australia, and perhaps we can all stop this ridiculous war we have been fighting with an abstract noun. Not to mention enjoying simple pleasures like clipping our fingernails mid-flight.