To: All Republican Congressmen
From: Republican Party Chairman
Subject: Our Return to Power
My fellow Republicans,
These are bleak times indeed. After being routed in the House and Senate elections last year, we now have a Democrat President in the White House as well. Oh, the shame of it. The sight of the new President parading on the steps of the Capitol exuding hope and goodwill to all ordinary Americans made my blood run cold. To make matters even worse, President Obama has announced a number of radical, socialist policy objectives that are entirely repugnant to the values that all good Republicans hold dear.
Make no mistake, if left unchecked, President Obama intends to implement the following policy initiatives:
- Withdrawing American troops from Iraq
- Ratifying the Kyoto protocol
- Paying more than lip service to the UN
- Limiting bank bosses' pay; and worst of all,
- Introducing a public health care system which will be affordable to all. No longer will the health insurers be able to deny a life-saving operation to an injured worker in cases where they desperately need to shore up their profits and maintain dividends to their stockholders.
Can you imagine, my friends, what effect these measures will have on our core consitutency? I would take this opportunity to invoke the immortal words uttered by Lincoln at Gettysburg that our government must be of big business, for big business and by big business. Or something like that. The exact words he used have been lost in the mists of time.
If President Obama gets his way, then the profits of those energy barons, defence companies and investment bankers who rely on us to look after their interests will be shredded. House prices in the Hamptons will plummet as bosses of insolvent banks are forced to live off $500,000 a year, and the shares of companies like Halliburton, Goldman Sachs and Tenix will sink even further than they have already as a result of President Obama's economic crisis. Ordinary working Americans will also (dangerously) start to believe that they can have a say in how the country is being run and make a difference. They might then stop worrying less about their monthly battle to pay the bills and start challenging the status quo.
Nevertheless, despite these grim tidings, we can all take heart. We all know that the Democrats, despite their control of Congress, epitomise the expression "all talk and no action". We know that with constant Republican attacks in Congress and enough scaremongering in the media, their resolve will very quickly falter, and we can manipulate their policy agenda to more or less resemble our own.
I have therefore set out some steps that all of you should take to ensure this dangerous President and his repellent agenda is headed off at the pass, and which will ensure that we set the scene for our return to power in 4 years:
- Dig up scandals: get private investigators to delve into the past of each of the President's key officials and try to find anything you can to discredit them. Then get the Fox Network to run the stories in the press. If you can't find anything, then just start scurrilous rumours about them. Fox have never quibbled too much about verifying facts before when there's an opportunity to liberal-bash.
Hopefully, enough stories about adulterous affairs and non-lodgement of tax returns will generate a taint among Obama and his advisers, and make the public forget about the mess that Rumsfeld, Cheney and Rice have got us into in the Middle East.
Unfortunately, the President himself is probably off-limits. Unlike JFK or Clinton, he seems to keeps his doodle in his pants and we won't get any mileage these days by attacking him on the basis of his skin colour (except maybe in parts of Alabama). Plus, godammit, he is POPULAR. Apart from a brain, charisma and eloquence, what does he have that good ol' George W. didn't? - Run an emotive scare campaign about public health care being "socialised medicine": if we can get enough pictures of Russian doctors from the 1950s onto TV screens coupled with ominous shots of Stalin and Khrushchev, this might distract ordinary people from the reality of their crippling health premiums and the fact that we already have many perfectly adequate services in this country that are already socialised (eg police; fire; the army - and soon, the banks).
- Filibusters: while we are in the minority in both houses, we can still use filibusters to frustrate or stop legislation. Make sure you use these to hold up any bills that are likely to reduce our constituent's profits until the Democrats get frustrated and drop the bill as a bad idea.
- Financial crisis: wait a few weeks, then start blaming the Democrats for the current financial crisis. People have short memories and will soon forget that it was us who caused it .
So, my friends, there is certainly hope for a better future despite the situation we are in right now. Remember, despite what the voters say, the Republican Party is the ONLY party with the moral and legal authority to rule. We showed this in 2000 by successfully petitioning the Supreme Court and stopping the counting of votes that would have seen Al Gore elected president over Dubya. Thank heavens we did this, my colleagues - can you imagine what state the country would be in today if Gore had become President? No war on terror propping up defence contractors, no tax cuts for the super rich and an energy policy built on renewables which would have sent our supporters in the oil industry to the wall. The mind boggles.
A government of big business, for big business, and by big business. Don't forget it my friends. Now go forth and kick some Democrat butt.
Best Wishes
The Chairman
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